Friday, October 30, 2015

What Will a Day Bring?



You just never know what a day will bring. Some days something tragic happens, and you’re dealing with grief and sadness. Some days a surprising blessing will happen, and you’re sharing your joy and happiness with others.

And then there are days when…..well, let’s just say the randomness and funniness of it just makes you bust up in laughter, endorphins abounding.  

Megan just came to me where I’m watching a show in the bedroom and held her hand out. I put my hand out, palm up, and she dropped something into it. 

It was a toenail. 

Me: Oh, hmmmmm…..

Megan: It’s my toenail. 

Me: I see.

Megan: It was too long.

She hoists her leg up on the end of my bed and pulls at one of her piggies, to show me the offending nail, now cropped. 

Me: So you pulled it off?

Megan: Yeah. It’s shawrp now.

She puts her leg down and we both look at the toenail in my hand.

Me: Did you want me to have this?

Megan: Yeah. 

Me: Okay. Thank you. 

Megan: Can I have a buwwito fowr a snack? 

Me: Sure, go ahead.

And with that, she went to the kitchen to heat her snack in the microwave. 

You just never know what a day will bring you. Some days, it might just be….a toenail. ;-) 

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Deep Fried......

CHUGRAD MCANDREWS


Have you ever seen something and wished you could literally reach right in and scratch your brain at it? Oh boy, today I had a whopper of a WHAT???? moment.

I was just perusing recipes for Halloween and Fall, looking at various easy treats to make with kids, Autumn monkey bread recipes, foods you could make for a Halloween party, yada yada. I don’t even *do* Halloween, but since I do have my The Magic Meal Fairy and other people do celebrate Halloween, I like to share neat recipes for them. Or cute food-themed costumes. 

So there I am, looking at Monster Pops, Pumpkin Whoopie Pies, Pumpkin Seed Brittle, and (mashed) Potato Ghosts, and I came across…..

Deep-Fried Tarantulas.

Did you hear me??

DEEP-FRIED TARANTULAS!!! 

Okay, so, from the photo, I was thinking it must use those fried noodles you get with chop suey, you know, at the Chinese restaurant? 

No. 

I click to see the recipe, and the guy talks about it before he gives the recipe. I’m skimming over his monologue and he’s saying something about how tarantulas are “more satisfying” because grasshoppers and beetles are “heavily armored,”  and I'm thinking, this *has* to be a joke. It has to be. There’s no way this is for real.

No. 

I go down to the ingredients and there it is: “2 frozen adult Texas brown, Chilean rose, or similar-sized tarantulas, thawed.”

O.M.G. Thawed?? People freeze tarantulas like broccoli or a package of meat? O_O

This isn’t a joke. It’s real. This guy has a recipe for Deep-Fried Tarantulas….and upon further reading, I discover that this recipe is included in his book, The Eat-A-Bug Cookbook. He also won the gold medal in a Big Bug Cook-Off in 2011 with this recipe. GAH!!!!!

So, here I am, trying to get my eyebrows back down where they belong and trying to pry the look of horror off my face. I might need a crowbar for that. I’m not trying to be judgmental to bug eaters, but all I can think of is…..

WHY??? Seriously, you *do* realize there is real food out there, right? I mean, it’s probably even way less expensive than ordering  “2 frozen adult Texas brown, Chilean rose, or similar-sized tarantulas, thawed.” 

Where do you even get them?? I doubt you can get them on Amazon. Maybe a specialty shop. From Hell. 

Anyway, trust me, there *is* real food out there. No need to resort to bugs. And if my honey felt he just had to eat bugs or insects, whatever they are, especially Deep-Fried Tarantulas…..I don’t think I’d be kissing him any time soon. 

So there you have it. Deep-Fried Tarantulas. The Eat-A-Bug Cookbook. I’m not sure if this tops my stumbling upon a cookbook of recipes using semen. It just might.

At any rate, it’s time to end this. I’m afraid my breakfast is going to come back up. People, be careful out there. It’s a scary world. 

And no, you will NOT see this on The Magic Meal Fairy. Nope. No way, no how, uh-uh. ;-) 


Saturday, October 3, 2015

Adventures at Five a.m.

Photo: Celebrations.com


Cat, in hallway outside bathroom: Meowwww.

Me, in bathroom: Hrmphlp.

Cat: Meowwwwwww.

Me: <unintelligible grunt, thinking, Go let yourself out. I did it the last 753 times!>

Cat: MEOWWWWWWWWWW!

Me: Oh be quiet. 

Cat: Blurp….blurrrp….BLUUURRRRPPPP!

Me: Oh crap!

No, vomit. 

I finish up faster than a jack rabbit with a dog in pursuit and bolt out of the bathroom in time to see the cat finish emptying the contents of its stomach onto the floor, in the middle of the dark, narrow hallway.

There’s no getting out of it. I can’t just crawl back into bed and leave it for later. It’s a large amount and in the very middle. If I leave it, someone will get to play on an unexpected Slip N Slide on their sleepy trek to the bathroom. 

Bleary eyed, I go get the paper towels from under the kitchen sink and hobble back to the hallway, flicking on the light.

“Turn dat light off,” Megan says from the recesses of her darkened room. 

“I need the light on for a minute, Megan.”

I start scooping with doubled paper towels. When I feel something, I start saying my mantra for gross stuff: I can wash my hands, I can wash my hands, I can wash my hands….

I gather the whole bundle and shuffle off to throw it away. Then back to the hallway for the final wipe of any dampness left there.

Only it was at the edge of the light’s reach so I have no clue where the vomit was now. Can’t see it.

Shifting, back and forth, slanting my head to try and catch a reflection of wetness in the minimal light…..aha! 

Swipe a few times and back to the kitchen to throw the paper towel away and wash my hands. 

Back to bed. Only now I’m not going to be able to just fall asleep. 

Seriously, nothing gets you moving faster than the sound of retching. By the kids or the cats. You can be in a dead sleep and stand straight up out of bed without bending a limb when you hear that sound. 

Cat: Meowww.

Me: Yes, coming, my King! 

I go let him out. 

Why didn’t I just do that the first time???

This episode of Adventures at Five a.m. is brought to you by….me!