Saturday, February 28, 2015
A Pet For Easter
Easter is coming up, and due to the ferocious weather conditions many of us have had this winter, most people are anxiously waiting for *any* signs of spring. Easter has traditionally heralded that spring is right around the corner.
With that in mind, let’s talk about what to give your child for Easter. Oh yes, we all know Most Parents give their child a pretty basket with “Easter grass,” filled with assorted candies and little trinkets.
But do you want to just be Most Parents?” NO! You want to give your child something that will make him look at you with adoring eyes and forever remember this Easter as the Best Easter Ever!
And that means a pet. But not just a little chick. Little Susie or Tommy could get their eye pecked out by that pointy beak. No, I’d like you to think about one of these more exciting pets for your little darling, and write me to let me know how it all worked out for you. You can show your appreciation with checks, cash, and debit cards.
Now here are my top suggestions for an Easter pet:
Give your child the dream of a lifetime! Giant Rabbit comes with large rear feet for speed and over-sized toes for better traction. Set at rear feet drive or front paw with the flick of a hair. Side-head eyes allow for extra peripheral vision and the safety you desire for your child. No "deer in the headlights" danger for this bad boy! Ears the perfect length for steering allow your budding NASCAR racer the control he needs for those unexpected twists and turns in your back yard. Seats one average toddler or two precocious infants. Ages 9 months to 3 years. Made in Germany. Über!
*Comes with a lifetime supply of large raisins inside, at no extra cost!
For canine lovers out there, this is Giant George, who stands at 43 inches tall. Both fore- and hind-leg drive, he’s built to fulfill your child’s need for speed! Extra strong claws for better traction allow him to reach the nearest tree in seconds, plus he can knock down a Mailman weighing up to 450 pounds. Front-facing eyes will spot out any obstacle in your child’s path, like squirrels or cats, even in the foggiest weather. With super sensitive hearing, Giant George will return your child to you at your whistle. Features the newest GPS nose for direction and tracking, and ear flaps for protection in the rain.
The Giant George Family Edition seats two adults and one child if you’d like to ride your dog…
…or maybe your dog would like to ride you. ;)
*Also comes in this Limited Edition UK model. Saddle and bridle not included.
If speed isn’t your main concern, or you prefer a slower pace in life, the Giant Tortoise may be the gift you’d like to give your child this Easter. At a quarter ton, this baby is built to last long after your great-grandchildren are gone from this world. Premium leather covers the front and back paws, as well as the neck and head, with that weathered look so popular among today’s youth. The Giant Tortoise features a hard-core protective shell roof your child will love to polish to a high sheen.
Though the shell roof and undercarriage allow room for GT‘s front and back legs, as well as the swivel head, I do feel the need to warn you that your child will unfortunately be unprotected when the Giant Tortoise goes into stealth mode. Low maintenance, requires plant-based fuel, and do note that no matter what little Jimmy says, you will probably end up walking the Giant Tortoise yourself.
If you’d like to give your child something even slower, you might consider a Giant Snail. Or, um….let’s not even go there. I think I’m going to go vomit now.
This is better, and out of all the Easter pets is the easiest for your child to care for. This Giant Goldfish comes with a lifetime warranty on all fins and scales. Super sleek scale patterning provide for a smooth ride through your back yard pond and speeds of up to 3.1 MPH to thrill your child. Side-head eyes allow the Giant Goldfish to spot any dangers like the venomous lionfish or the electric eel lurking in even the murkiest of waters.
Worried about what’s in front of little Rachel as she rides the waves? Set your fears aside, because the Giant Goldfish features swivel eyes to see in front of the snout, and with front-fin steering, she will have maximum control over her fish. Includes a bonus leash trailing from the rear end propulsion system. Available in these colors: Blaze Orange, Tangerine, Neon Carrot, Mango Tango, Electric Orange, and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
*The Giant Goldfish is also available in marked down Irregulars, which may be missing a fin or two but still provide a quality pet for your child.
I’m sure you know what pet is best for your child, and I hope I’ve been able to provide you with some helpful reviews of each of these suggested gifts. Hours of enjoyment await your child and your family when you purchase a pet for Easter. Further evaluations available upon request.