Thursday, September 19, 2013

In The Autumn Years

The air has started getting chilly, and leaves are starting to turn color. I've been thinking of Autumn, one of my favorite seasons.

Some people liken the seasons to the stages of a person's life, and you can see why: Spring creates new life, and the increasing sunshine helps the trees to make new green life-giving leaves, and flowers start growing. Summer comes along, and gardens are planted, the vegetables and fruits flourishing. Autumn rolls in, and things wind down; plants start turning brown, slowly stop bearing fruit...before Winter comes, and the trees and gardens are bare, the end of the life cycle.

Autumn has gained special meaning for me over the last few years, and I wrote a poem that may help you see why. I thought I'd share it today. Autumn doesn't always mean that plants will wilt and turn brown. Sometimes, when we're least expecting it, Autumn can mean new life and hope…

In The Autumn Years

In the autumn years…..
I had thought all 
was said and done;
thought this was it;
that all I could have,
and all I could be
was already come to pass.
In the autumn years…….
I thought I had done it all;
thought that whatever good
that could have come my way
had already come,
and gone.
In the autumn years…..
I thought that every dream
I had ever had,
the possible ones, at least,
had been tried,
had been achieved, 
had been realized.
In the autumn years…..
I thought I was done;
felt I was spent;
thought this was it.
How could I have known?
How could I dare imagine?
That in the autumn years…..
a dream I had given up,
a hope I had let go,
but never knew was there, 
so silent it was in my heart….
would come upon me;
would creep up on me: 
like a baby’s heartbeat, 
like a pink Lady’s Slipper,
like a silvery gossamer:
the whisper of  love
came upon me,
came upon  me….
in the autumn years.

~VJC ~

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

To Sleep or Not to Sleep

Well well well…here I am talking about sleep again. Or the lack thereof, among other things. Grab a cup of coffee and settle in, because this is a long one.

Everyone knows I have insomnia. I have not had a decent night’s sleep in forever. Last night was the 4th night in a row from H-E-double hockey sticks. And once again I find myself wondering if a person can go insane from lack of sleep. Can they? Can you die from it? Have there been any recorded deaths due to insomnia? Sometimes I think it might be a welcome relief. I wouldn't be so stinking tired. Oh, wait…I’d be dead. Good gravy marie, you know I’m just joking. ;)

So anyway, the past four nights of only 2 or 3 hours of sleep has been due in part to the numerous things going on right now. Megan and the boys came down with a really bad cold, and on Friday I woke up with it. Sore throat, aching head, yicky nose, sneezing, etc. The next day, Saturday, my sinuses were infected and I had yellow gunk coming from my chest. As Megan would say, “I feel kwap.” I did feel kwap, too.

Well, having a very bad virus was only the half of it. I have asthma, and I use a Pulmicort inhaler now to control it, and ProAir for a rescue inhaler. Normally, using the maintenance inhaler would make the rescue inhaler not so necessary, but being so sick jacked my asthma into high gear. I’ve needed the ProAir almost every four hours, and Saturday night I went to the ER because I used the nebulizer and that wasn’t helping either.

Timothy looks like he's had a little TOO MUCH sleep, lol.
Very bad cold and asthma acting nutso on me... Friday night I started with a head jerking tic. All night long. Not many people know that I have Tourette’s Syndrome, because I don’t talk about it much. Mostly it used to be because people have misconceptions about TS due to stupid television shows that depict some of the rarest motor and vocal tics. Just for the record, my vocal tics do not involve shouting out obscenities. If I did swear, it would be of my own volition, not because of my Tourette’s.

But anyway, because of the reactions of others based on misconceptions about TS, I didn’t share it with many people. Well, I’m sharing it now for all the world to see. I’m almost 50 years old, and at this point in my life, I don’t give a flying blue heron what anyone thinks of me because of it. If anyone has a problem with it, well, it’s  *their* problem, not mine. Get a life already.

I had that head jerking tic literally all night long, and my neck has been killing me ever since. I’m in so much pain, I can’t seem to get any relief from it. I’ve been taking naproxen for it and icing it. Whoop-dee-doo. What I need are some darn good pain pills and a few weeks of physical therapy. Which is what I’ve had to do more times than I can count over the years because of tics.

So, we’re up to being very sick, my asthma whacked out, and a very painful neck from my Tourette’s. Those were enough to cover the first 3 nights. Last night, all three of those reasons were very present and keeping me awake. Then I threw up because of so much post nasal drip (I know, isn’t that the grossest thing to talk about??), and there was so much pain and pressure in my ears, I was sure they were going to pop off my head. I just hoped no one was in the line of fire because they could get an eye poked out or something.

Add this: I have a tooth that lost the old filling long ago, and there’s a spike sticking up in the middle of the hole where the filling was. Made of whatever the heck fillings are made of; some kind of metal. The thing is so stinking sharp, I’d almost swear it could be used to cut diamonds. Or at least my tongue, which it has. My poor tongue hurts so much from that, I’m about ready to find some needle-nose pliers and break the stupid thing off myself. Orajel only helps for so long, and I just got insurance, so I need to find a dentist SOON.

Moving along…I tried laying in bed last night listening to the telly with the volume down low. No dice. I shut it off, took some antihistamine to make me drowsy, and read some of my book. I had to get up to get the ice pack for my neck, and when I stepped forward with my left foot, the cord for my laptop caught on the toenail of my big toe and ripped it up. Not all the way off, but up so that blood was seeping out from underneath the toenail like a geyser, and it hurt wicked bad.

Okay, so after getting the bleeding down to a slow trickle, I got the ice pack and iced my neck for a while. By now it’s almost 3 in the morning. I had to pee, so I got up again, but when I stepped forward with my right foot, my sciatic nerve decided it had been too long since the last attack, and I almost fell flat on my face. The whole way to the bathroom, I had to clump along like Frankenstein, holding on to the wall for support and grimacing with the pain of each lurch forward.

Psycho Cat sleeping peacefully. I'm resisting the urge to
blow an air horn in her ear and watch the fur fly off her body.
I made it back to bed, when in bounds Callie, also known as Psycho Cat, barreling across my bed as if the devil was chasing her. I don’t know what’s wrong with this cat, but she seriously needs some Prozac or something. I can joke about that because I’ve been on it before, years ago, so don’t go getting offended. This cat moves at the speed of light everywhere she goes, ending with her claws scratching the floor as she slides into whatever or whoever happens to be in her way. Then she startles and looks around wildly, like the other cats made some sudden move or something. She’s psycho. And she insists on bombing through the room and onto my bed like a buffalo and scaring the kwap out of me. Yeah. Psycho.

Well, Psycho Cat settles down, I put the book away and shut off the light, and I’m finally…FINALLY starting to drop off to sleep…when Phil starts talking in his sleep. Something about wanting to ride the pink pony? Hahaha, just kidding. That was a funny line in the movie Toy Story. Whatever he was mumbling, it doesn’t matter. I looked at the clock and the time was 3:39 a.m. I have to get Ryan up for school at 6. I was like, yeah, whatever. May as well pour out my ridiculous plight to the world. I can always nap after the boys go off to school. And before you say that napping is why I can’t sleep at night, don’t even GO there. Just don’t. I’ve had so little sleep and am so stinking tired and crabby right now, I will reach through the screen and knock you into next week. ;)

Seriously, do I look like someone you want to mess with today? ;)