Thursday, September 8, 2011

Of Knives and Men

So, this is for all the happily married men out there. If you would like to *stay* happily married, I’m going to give you boys a little tip: do not use the salad shooter and then leave it without rinsing. Just sayin’. Because after sitting out all night, all those little pieces of salad ingredients or cabbage and carrots for coleslaw, will be stuck to the shooter parts like I would be to Mark Harmon if he ever showed up on my doorstep. And no crowbar made on God’s green earth will pry those things off. Your wife may as well just throw the parts back in the salad shooter box and start telling people you chose the “party speckles on white” color choice when you bought it. Only saving grace with that is: forever afterwards, nothing else that adheres to it will be noticeable. Kind of like those speckled floors they have in all the schools, to hide the dirt better. ;)

Just so you know the reasoning behind this blog post is not solely to save the sanity of your wife, save the preciousness of your marital bliss, save your kids from spending the next decade of their lives toggling between two households…… is also to save your skin, boys. Because if your wife is anything like me, she is one strange woman! Lol Ahhhh, just kidding. Seriously, though, I have a bit of an affinity for knives. Don’t ask me why, because I have no idea. Been that way ever since I was a cook in a restaurant as a teen. The chef started teaching me how to slice, dice, chop, mince, and julienne, and I was hooked. I have a relationship to my knives like Tim “The Toolman” Taylor has to his tools: I thrill to hold them in my hot little hands and all I’m thinking as I use them is: more power! Here is a picture of some of the knives in my armory, I mean repertoire:

That butcher’s knife is sweet (2nd from left). Take a moment and think of *why* it’s called a butcher’s knife: because it butchers. Just keep that in mind, my dear fellows. ;) Nice chef’s knives, eh? Check out that Ginsu 2000 all the way over on the right. It can reportedly cut up soda cans. Haven’t tried it myself; too busy putting it through the bones of my victims, I mean, um, ham shoulders. It does the job, believe you me. And don’t let that bread knife on the left fool you into a false sense of tranquility; that bad boy has a serrated edge and is sharp enough to slice through the axel of a Ford F-150. I have the pieces to prove…..oh, um, never mind. We won’t venture there. ;)

At any rate, this is a “just because I really do like men” tip for you out there who may have erroneously assumed that it is no big deal to leave the parts to a salad shooter, or any kitchen appliance, for that matter, with food particles embedded in its very polymer molecules. It’s not okay. If you have any love for your wife at all and care about the longevity of your Holy matrimony, Batman!-- you will cease and desist said errant behavior. You are all free to carry on with your day now. J

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